What if the hardest part of living abroad isn't the language, the paperwork, or even the culture shock, but the invisible forces shaping how you feel, how you connect, and how you make sense of the world. Today's guest believes there is a tool that can help us see those hidden patterns, and it might change the way you understand yourself and the places you live in. Anthropology is a birthright. It's like it's like going to therapy and discovering your inner life, your inner emotional life. Well, this is discovering your inner cultural life, why we behave the way we behave based on where we live. And those are all the invisible drivers that I thought, you know, everybody should have access to this. This is fascinating stuff. In this episode, we unpack what it actually means to discover your inner cultural life, the stories we carry from home, the habits we don't question, and the ways a new country can reveal parts of us we didn't even know that were there. And we go to the part people don't always say out loud. The loneliness that can creep in when you start over somewhere new. You must make the effort because the isolation which is embedded in the expatriate immigrant experience will kill you. From identity to belonging to building a real community. The guest shares a grounded honest take on what it takes to live well abroad emotionally, socially, and culturally. Today on Almost Local, the living abroad story of Lisa Lavalier. Let's start. I feel like I've gone through a lot of incarnations in my life. Just to sort of give you the broad strokes, I was raised in Southern California. And I did um move from California to New York, the New York area, and lived in Jersey and raised my family there for many years. I have two grown kids. But in between that, I did my last semester at university in Athens. And that was the trip that changed my life. And I lived abroad for two years. I lived in Greece, Spain, and the UK. So when I came back, I really felt like I had outgrown Southern California. I moved to the east coast and I began my career in publishing. So my professional life has always revolved around words and culture. I was in publishing for many years and then after I had my kids, I decided that if I was going to go back to work, I was going to do it for something that I was sort of passionately obsessed about, which was culture. So I went back and I got my masters in anthropology, cultural anthropology and since 2007 I have uh been working as a cross-cultural trainerist gal the expat whisperer and I did that for many years in the United States from 2007 till about I would say 2019 when I moved to France. So um I was married happily for many years but over the course of years of course you know we outgrew each other but we're still family co-parenting our kids. So I moved to Paris because I always felt that my insides were more aligned with what Europe was about. the beliefs, values, attitudes, perceptions aligned with who I was inside. So I could not continue practicing my intercultural training and coaching, expat career coaching, because I didn't speak French fluently. Studied it for many years, but I was by no means fluent. You know, I was the get by. I was the I can get by French. So I had to pivot again. and I didn't know what was in store for me. And that's part of that's I think that can be part of the expat experience. You sort of do all the whatifs and planning and and and trying to minimize, you know, all the uncertainties that you can, but once you get there, you never know what's in store for you. And this really tests the character and the ability for an expat to either sink or swim. And that was my moment. Um, I answered an ad to teach at the International School of Paris, the old Victor Hugo school. I had never been a teacher. I had always been someone who delivered knowledge, coaching, that sort of thing. So, I was in a sort of teaching space, but not a proper I was not a proper teacher, but my bachelor's degree was in English literature. So, of course, I was pretty good at English. I started teaching and I loved it. And there was my next career. So I have gone through which is really something that can happen in the United States and is fairly common to have two, three, four incarnations in your professional life. Abroad in certain countries, people don't always have access to that kind of career advancement or career pivoting. I did. I not only could but I had the opportunity and it presented itself in another country. So I've been teaching for the past better part of eight years in France and Italy and I've taught now in public and private corporate all kinds of situations. But one of the things that I did sort of when I was here for the first few years in Paris, I say, "Oh yeah, I'm a teacher and I'm and I'm also a writer." And somehow I it didn't feel right and I flipped the narrative for myself and I thought, you know what, I've been writing for an awfully long time and you know, I'm going to identify as a writer first who also teaches. And so that was that was another sort of careerdefining moment, you know, in finding out who I was, what I wanted to do, and did I have something to say and could I say it in a new way that was relevant for the audience and for you know the people who call ourselves expat immigrants. I use the term expat immigrant because it is a choice and that's usually what the context of expat means to me. But I'm also an immigrant. I'm new to a country and I've got to start from the bottom of learning how to understand my surroundings, my unfamiliar surroundings. Um so that is where I am. that that's sort of the broad strokes of of who I am and where I am. I'm a Italian-American dual citizen. I've been a citizen for the past 8 years, which also puts me in a different category than someone who comes to another country without that advantage. I have all the rights and privileges of a European citizen and I can legally live and work here. that really I I must say must cut out you know 75% of the the headache of and the anxiety of can I stay is my visa going to get renewed is the peromero going to go through this time and I've seen so many people suffer through that experience that I've never had to experience there are lots of other reasons why people like us have anxiety you know confused and disoriented for all other kinds of reasons but at least I didn't have to deal with that. So that that's been my experience so far. Interesting. I think it's it's also curious like I mean of course the pivoting of work it's it's a lot of experiences in there but it's also a lot of countries. So you absorb a lot of different things. I think I read somewhere that you talk about this invisible hand of culture as a as a thing that you we don't notice it that much but at some point you you have it on top of you know and culture pulls you to to to this career changes when it was for you the moment in all these countries and in all these experience that you realized culture it's the thing that it's making me change or like the thing that runs the software here let's say like this right that you know the invisible hand of culture influences your behavior in ways you never imagined. And you know, I probably had a slight advantage to being the thing that I talked about, you know, the thing the thing that I coached about was expatriots and career coaching uh across countries. So I understood the theories and theorists of being an intercultural trainer and what culture was really about from a theoretical perspective and also from a lived perspective. But I will say that no matter how much you know cuz I was presumably a consultant in the field for people who were moving their careers around the world. Um I I was sort of their insurance policy. You know, there's a suite of services that a company will give an employee to say, "You're going to go from Amsterdam to Milwaukee, and you need to hit the ground running." I was the insurance policy to spend a day or two or three with them and help them understand the their the the new culture, to help them understand that software. And what it really took was for them to understand their own culture. So rather than running up against, you know, the new culture and it feeling uncomfortable and unfamiliar, the reflection has to come from you first to say I'm American or whatever. I'm American and I need to understand myself first because fish discover water last. That's, you know, an old Ethiopian proverb. you don't realize what you're doing. And you know, instead of getting into situations where there are mismatched expectations, if we can reflect on ourselves first and understand our values, attitudes, perceptions, and behaviors, those invisible forces, those invisible drivers that we don't realize, you know, oh, why are Americans so loud? They're not trying to be offensive. They're, you know, I have an example in in my my 101 culture hacks. Um, I I give the example of people from Africa, Americans and the British. They can be they can take up a lot of space. Like if you're in public, sometimes you're like, "Oh my god, there's the Americans." You know, you can hear them. or if I'm in a bus in Italy, I will hear someone from an African country talking on loudspeaker and also speaking very loudly or the aristocracy in Britain. They're very commanding and they don't say excuse me or sorry, they say what? So this takes up a lot of space and but for very different reasons. People can have certain behaviors. For Americans, it's about needing to be comfortable with strangers in a very large space and you have to assert yourself, right? So that's their reason. For the African kind of way of speaking, it's also a large space. It's an enormous continent. So space, our geography and our space around us accounts for can account for some behaviors. And for the British, for the British upper classes, they inherited um a a a way of speaking in really large manners and castles. So it was sort of, you know, they didn't mean to come off arrogant or come offensive, but they had to because because it was a big place and they had and they had to really own their voice and command it because of the large space. totally different, you know, examples. But I think one of the things that anthropoly anthropology has taught me is to connect, which I sort of do instinctively, is to connect seemingly unrelated dots and I think that informs a lot of what I write about. So um so I hope that answered your question. Yeah, I was also wondering like on those whole cultural things that you see, you know, in these dots that you connect, how much is how how ideal on from your perspective, it's like this balance between what it's your identity and what you need to keep culturally wise versus this integration on on a new place. No, how do you balance these things? Because I'm assuming it's not a matter of like you arrive to a new place and you erase completely who you are, but rather you maintain certain cultural traits of where you are from and then adapt them a bit to to the new ones that you're discovering in the way. That's a really great question because the the uh expat the expat university student that I was in my 20ies in Athens is very different from the expat immigrant that I am now at midlife. I distinctly remember the feeling of almost wanting to, you know, be that chameleon in Athens. I wanted to dress like Athenians. I wanted to sound like them. I wanted to talk like them. And it was not a matter of I must do it to fit in. I wanted to. I learned to speak basic Greek. I absorbed the heart and soul of Greekness and I still retain it. I retain it. So has a very special place in my heart and I go back to Greece every year. However, that is a very different experience and I think it has a lot to do with age because you know for example whether I was in France or Italy now and and I I don't blame anybody. It's a natural question. Oh you don't speak Italian? Why not? You've been here for a few years. Yes, I do. I'm B1 level. I'm not stupid and I understand a lot. But for me, it's not a priority. My priorities, my life story, my experience, my point in my life now has a whole other my list of priorities are completely different than the wideeyed girl. Uh who was it? who was who went to who went to a foreign country for the first time you know at I don't know how old I was 24 years old that was an immersive experience it was the trip that changed my life but my priorities now at midlife are much different and I think that when you get older you become comfortable with yourself and my needs are different and how I identify with myself I'm very comfortable with myself. What are my needs now? I've had three careers. I've lived in several countries. I don't feel the need to be Italian or French. I am an Italian American woman who was raised in California and raised my kids in the New York area. My priority is to become a a better writer and to enjoy and to enjoy this part of my life. I don't feel I don't feel the cultural pressure to uh adapt like I did when I was younger. And that just comes from living. You know, I I I kid around and I say, you know, I feel like it's more of a you problem than a me problem. you know, I'm here because the world is a big place and I feel comfortable here. I feel very able to, you know, focus on my work and and that's it. I'm content. And if and when I become fluent in Italian, good for me. It'll happen over time and that's it. But everybody's different at each stage of their life and their purpose and their career and their background and what motivated them to move and what the circumstances are. and the British. I don't feel the need to do anything for anybody except live my life, apply what I know and be and continue to be curious and learn about my experience um uh and about the expatriate experience and and culture and identity and connecting those dots. That's an endless source of material and fascination for me. Mhm. Interesting. When does writing comes in this whole equation? How you decide to when do you decide to write a book and and why the topic on the book like culture hacks specifically for Americans and other digital noms and and people who are probably coming to Europe in that sense like you did. How does this come? First, first of all, I've been writing all my life, professionally and creatively, personally, again, since my 20s. That's for sure. And for a writer, I think you have to just keep writing until you sort of figure out what it is you want to write about. And when you figure out what you want to write about, you want to find out, well, do I have anything to say about it? And not only do I have do I have something to say about it, but can I say it in a new and fresh way? So obviously you can go to expatwisper.com and you can see my catalog, my body of work. I've written for newspapers and magazines, articles, essays. I'm I'm basically an essaist. But this book, I have a couple of manuscripts that I'm working on, but this one is and the book finished. This one came out of something that just dawned on me when I was in graduate school studying cultural anthropology and the evolution of anthropology and studying culture first came and the British um turn of the century missionaries and the colonizers. So anthropology has a crisis of consciousness and it has a very sort of conflicted it has a conflicted past. Okay. From there, cross-cultural knowledge evolved into the peace corps and the diplomatic corps. So, the knowledge that I have came from those sources. That's my that that's the legacy that today's anthropologists and cultural writers and people who study culture have inherited it. So it basically went from the field to the boardroom which was a recent was it was a days which is where I stepped in and we were applying the theories and theorists of cultural anthropology into corporations. So there are a variety of fields. I chose business anthropology and we were using the ethnographic tools to help companies do better, behave better, operate better, communicate better, do all kinds of things better with these hidden drivers, these unseen forces that are driving behavior. So it occurred to me, I thought, you know, it's gone from the field to the boardroom. I wanted to take that knowledge and bring it into the living room. And that's when 101 culture hacks was born. I thought a lot of this stuff is like really academic and it's really for, you know, specialized and all, but I thought, you know what, anthropology is a birthright. It's like it's like going to therapy and discovering your inner life, your inner emotional life. Well, this is discovering your inner cultural life. Is it nature? Is it nurture? How are we born? What is my personality? How does the culture of my family influence my behavior? Am I going to be an introvert when I came from an extroverted family? Is that just me uniquely? or am I an extrovert? Because I came from an extroverted family. You know, it can be six of one, half a dozen of the other. And and then the next circle out is, you know, my community, my area, my region that I live in, my state, my country. And that circle continues to widen. And all of those layers influence who we are because we really don't know, you know, sort of why we do what we do based on where we live, why we behave the way we behave based on where we live. And those are all the invisible drivers that I thought, you know, everybody should have access to this this fascinating stuff. And I think the more that we, you know, it's like civil diplomacy. It's like the more we know about ourselves, well, that's just knowledge. It's not the only thing. It is part of it's just another it's just another source of information for us to understand you know why we operate what is our what is our mental software you know why do we operate the way we do and why do we need to sort of switch out that software sometimes to make living in a new country and a new culture sometimes we do need to do that we make things that we would not normally do at home we need to do somewhere else because it will be misinterpreted and there will be misunderstandings but you need to know yourself first. You need to know what who am I and what how do I behave? How am I being perceived by others? And so and so there the 101 culture hacks was born and I've been working on it for many years but I finally you know sort of I came down the home stretch and most of it is just my experience and I wanted to make the book easily accessible with an index style title table of contents where you know if you are you know you it's sort of like a little guide book you know if you are experiencing something or you have a question about, you know, it could be um hygiene or it could be affection or it could be about irony or relationships. It's alphabetical and if something hits you and you have a question, you could just go right to it and read about it. I thought rather than, you know, doing, you know, the academic thing, which is really the only way people can access information about, you know, why people do what they do based on where they live and cultural information. I thought why does not make it put it in layman's terms put it in everyday language with everyday examples and stories from my life stories from experiences of others and hopefully that could help sort of resolve a little mystery that moment when you're like what on earth is going on nice I would I would suggest that we do that actually because you know that I ask these fast reply questions like this kind of same question to all the guests and I think it makes sense to do that contrasting it directly with with the book that you've written and with with one-on-one culture hacks maybe you can bring that perspective directly from the book itself the first question that I ask in this section it's cultural adjustment what is the thing the culture hack that you've detected there when it comes to or the biggest adjustment that Americans suffer when arriving abroad you know what I'm just going to and I have my answers here. So I have, you know, of course I didn't memorize them. You know what the funniest thing for me has been? Whether it's been in France or here in Italy and it was also the same way when I was when I had moved abroad years ago, time measurements, weights and floor and floors or telling time just just telling time. Um those those kind of everyday that that kind of everyday measurement that you take for granted in your home country which gives you a sense of sort of peace that you can read a recipe or you can tell time you know I don't tell time in a 24hour clock it's 2 o'clock in the morning or it's 2 o'clock in the afternoon. So, not only does someone, you know, like me have to hear if I go to make an appointment, a hair appointment, and darling Paola, my hairdresser, who is infinite patience with me, because I get a lot of anxiety over the phone, speaking in Italian, you know, who doesn't? The phone is like I'm anxietyridden. She will tell me the time, not only in the 24-hour clock, but she'll tell it to me in Italian. And I'm like a deer in the headlights. And I stop and I panic. Panic. Today the g I have to count them. I have 11, 12, 13. Okay. 13 13 is 1:00. You know, you have to go through all of those. So, you're back to being a you're back to being a child. You are constantly reminded that you have so much to learn. So that kind of those kind of nuts and bolts that you take for granted that allow you to sort of navigate your life in a calm and easy way. Suddenly it's like you're thrown back to being a seven-year-old again and that can you know that can that can rock your world. Yeah, absolutely. I've been there multiple times also Italy also. So yeah. What about social life? like what is the thing that I don't know making friends making connections with people uh how did you hold that I think that you know everybody has their own anchor what anchors you and for a lot of people it is your social life for me I sort of intertwine that concept with work because when I have a routine and I can count on it when so many things are, you know, I can't count on them. So many things constantly surprise me. I have lots of unexpected information around me. If I know that I can go to work and I can count on socializing with my colleagues, many of them, we have an entire English department whom I can talk to. It calms the nervous system when there are so many variables and unknowns to have that anchor. That is a a huge part of my social life. And then also joining different networking groups and language exchanges or bumping into someone at a cafe and exchanging a phone number. You have to make the effort. If I say anything in this interview, no matter what I say, you must make the effort because the isolation which is embedded in the expatriate immigrant experience will kill you. It's soul crushing. Things that you were used to just having that familiarity of friends and family and people and places that you knew is gone. and you need to make the effort and it's very hard and some people are not they're just not built for it and a lot of people throw their hands up in the air and they go you know what this is too hard and other people embrace it as a challenge and other people sort of like being alone so it doesn't bother them so again everybody's different but for me socializing through work saves me it saves me it really does see makes sense I mean a lot context. No, you work environment brings this also. Of course, you talk already a little bit about language in this current moment in Italy a little bit like maybe now it's more like a a practical tool. Before in Greece, maybe it was more like an emotional doorway. Um, exactly. Has it play a a role important role for you? You know what? I'm I I don't know how how this is going to be pursued by others, but because I'm sort of pretty good with language. It doesn't scare me. I pretty much can I I un I studied French for eight years. So I had a great foundation for these languages and then of course Greek and I was also raised around a lot of Spanish in Southern California and my family was Italian. So, language never scared me. Honestly, you can get by without being fluent. You will learn. You will get there. But, you know, I'm not fluent. And there's always someone who can speak, if not a little English, a lot of English. So, don't be afraid. You can get the job done. I get that's the kind of Italian I speak. I get the job done. I make myself understood and just communicating. I may not be entirely effective but I get the job done which is important at the end the communication at the end and it's what it is not like you can communicate in a lot of ways. The next one that I have it's something that I mean mo a lot of people see it as a motivation for moving abroad but in your case I don't feel that you have it like as a core value on on your moves like the cost of living the fact of moving abroad from from a money perspective unfortunately we live in the world that we live and you need currency to live abroad it has been a factor in your decisions on where to move and how to live let me tell you yes 100% because I can tell you again as a woman at midlife who got divorced. I took a look at my life and I said right you know two can live cheaper than one. When you get divorced and you have to go back out on your own it is an entirely different cost of living. And I saw a lot of my friends, particularly American divorced women, struggle and practically drowning in that environment, which entails a lot of spending, consumerism, debt, a lot of work, a lot of stress. And I thought, you know what? I'm just not doing this. I don't, for me, at this point in my life, the American dream has become a bit of a nightmare, and I'm not doing it. Not to mention the fact that the added cost of health care and the cost of living and the on and on and on. I thought, you know what? I'm just not doing that. I want to simplify my life and I did. And so I live. I mean, when I tell people like what my rent is, I mean, it's ridiculous. They laugh. They go, "What?" It's and it's they can't comprehend. I have no debt. I have the basic rent, utilities, food, no credit card debt. My life has been simplified and I, you know, because I'm a European citizen, I have a social safety net and social protection that they can't even fathom. And on top of that, you know, we get a lot of holidays that they don't get. We get a lot of vacation and they just can't they just can't do it. And I I feel like the cost of living was one of the main drivers. I thought for this next part of my life, I don't want to be worrying like crazy American living in the Northeast, I'm done. I've done it. And I've raised kids and it was stressful and trust me. I was like, "Okay, we're done. Let's do something easier." Right. Makes sense. I mean, why not? Um I'm looking a little bit on the time now and I have two questions that are not easy to to respond probably but that's okay. What is the best and the worst part for you of living abroad? What is the best thing that it has brought to you and the thought the toughest part that uh has come to you with it? Great question. The best part of living abroad has been um well, first of all, there's a price to pay for everything. There's always a price to pay. A lot of my friends back home, if I tell them, yes, I'm I'm living first I was living in Paris and they wanted to murder me and now I'm living in Italy and that's even, you know, they're all dreaming that I'm living, you know, under the Tuskin sun. I'm like, you don't understand. I live in the north. I live in Russia. This is this is not what you think it is, but it is is a European lifestyle. That's the best part. The best part is the stress level. The values are aligned. Stress levels are down. Values are aligned. There's a lot of peace and contentment in my life because I have worked very hard to make a life here. I've been here now four years. That's the best part. The worst part I miss I miss my my daughter. You know that's tough. We see each other two three times a year. Yeah. I see my kids two three times a year. It's a little bit tough. You know there are times when I just you know like the old days. Come on let's go shopping or come let's go have lunch. So that's a little tough. Yeah. That's the best that's the best. There's always a little bit with the family. Yeah. So there's always a price to pay. It's a price. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. The last one that I have for this section, it's the top tip. Like I know you have a book about 101 culture hacks, but that one line advice that you would give anyone who is trying to move abroad and adapting to your culture. Yes. Yes, I see it. The top tip I would say particularly for Americans, check your arrogance at the door and bring your kindness. Consider every encounter knowledge. That's it. Nice. I think it also can work for other I think it can work for other people too, but particularly for Americans. Yeah, makes sense. Great one. Thanks a lot for that. You're welcome. Before we wrap up the episode, this I wanted to give a little bit of space to talk a little bit more about the book actually. I mean, you already said for who it is a little bit, but um how people can find it, how can they find you in general, how do they can get in contact with you um and and so on. Sure. Again, my website is expatwisperer.com. You can email is it okay to give out my email? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Do people do that? I email my email me with your questions. I love questions and I love inquiries. Um it's llfan live.com if you would like um a preview copy of the book. I have included five of the 101 culture hacks and you can have the preview book for free. I'd love to hear feedback from your audience of what they think about it because it's for them. And I am in the process of looking for an agent, a literary agent, hopefully an international one who will buy the, you know, who will represent me and hopefully get it published with a publishing house. So, I'm actively seeking an agent. That's my that's my ask. in this interview. If anyone's listening, I'm looking for an agent and hopefully we'll sell it and hopefully it'll be a a useful tool for the over five to 7 million American expats who are living around the world. And some say that number is is as high as gone higher up to eight maybe 8 to 10 million because it's you can't quite take a census everywhere. So there are a lot of people who might benefit from it. Perfect. So, as always, all the links uh will be in the description of the episode for everyone to to take and take a look, give some feedback to Lisa, check it out and and see how at least the preview and then decide if you want to buy if there is a of course an Asian out there listening. Go and get contact with her. It's Thank you so much for for the conversation. A pleasure having you. I hope you Thank you so much. Thank you. Thanks for the listeners. As always, if you enjoyed the the conversation, don't forget to give some love to our social media channels and our YouTube and platforms and so on. You Exactly. same as always. Exactly. The like and follow and subscribe. Also, check out the the links from Lisa and the social media and get in contact with her. Until the next time, keep exploring, stay curious, and see you in the next episode of Almost Local.